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Worst Killers

 - I unthinks therefore I am not.

unthinks : improbable noun : the philosophy, thoughts, and inane trivia from the minimalist brain of Stuart McLean.

Suicide Bombers

Where do suicide Bombers go to practice?

Fat People

Fat people must all be really fit - ask a puny, skinny person to lug 5 stone of ugly fat around all day and he would drop dead from the effort.

Mr Average

The average person is completely different from everyone else.


Allegedly we are all getting brighter - 72% of people now have an IQ of over 100 - yet ask a five year old to tie his own shoe laces and he'll burst into tears of horror.

So what about the 28% who stubornly insist in remaining stupid - well so they won't feel lonely I have set up notMENSA - the Society for the Hard of Thinking.

If you have a shoe sized IQ join us now - notMENSA (It's good to be dumb)

Sheepish Question

When it rains, why don't sheep shrink?


Is it immoral for a cannibal to eat a vegetarian?


Why isn't there mouse flavoured cat food?

The speed of light

The speed of light is exactly 299792458 metres per second - what then is the speed of dark?

British National Party

Now that this racist 'political party' have been forced to allow non-whites to join, it's time to force an end to their hatred.

What if 10,000 Pakistanis joined the BNP - they could vote out the current leaders then change the name to Britain's Nearly Pakistani. If all the boxers in the country joined they could make it the Bloody Nose Party. Or if there were a big influx of gay members the BNP could soon stand for Britain Needs Poofs.

Any of these parties would definitely get my vote.

So come on, take up the challenge - it's the perfect opportunity to get rid of these Bloody Neurotic Pathetics.

International Association for the Simplification of Everything

The world has become far too complicated a place. Every single day hundreds of new words are added to our language. There's abdominoplasty, plasmatonixification and plutoniumiumium for starters. Far, far too complicated for words!


Something needs to be done.


So to fix this problem  we have created the International Association for the Simplification of Everything - or IntAssSimpEve as it has affectionately become know.

The International Association for the Simplification of Everything is working towards making everything as simple and understandable as possible.


One of the areas we are currently tackling is the classification of birds. Would you believe that right now there are; 23 orders, 142 families, 2,057 genera and 9,702 species of birds.

Ridiculous - how could anyone remember 9,702 species of birds!


With the IntAssSimpEve system there will be just six different birds; Tweet Tweets, Birdy Wurdies, Flap Flaps, Kill Kills, Dive Dive and Quack Quacks. What could be simpler.


Tweet Tweets are the smallest of the birds. This includes what are currently called Robins, Blue Tits, Wrens, Coal Tits etc etc

Birdy Wurdies are slightly bigger birds such as Starlings, Blackbirds, Fieldfare, Nightingales, Thrush etc etc

Flap Flap are larger birds such as Collar Doves, Seagulls, Woodpigeons, Woodpeckers, Cuckoos, Grouse etc etc

Kill Kill, as the name suggests, are all birds of prey such as Eagles, Owls, Sparrow Hawks, Osprey, Buzzards etc etc

Quack Quacks are all ducks, geese, cormorants and swans (in fact all birds that spend their time on the water) - for example Whooper Swan, Mallard Duck, Common Scoter, Canada Goose, Pink-footed Goose etc etc etc

We have written to the Royal Society for the Protection of Birds requesting that they encourage their members to use the simplified system - we will let you know their response.

You can help the cause - the next time you visit a bird sanctuary make an entry in the diary saying that you spotted, 4 Tweet Tweets, 3 Birdy Wurdies, 2 Flap Flaps and a Kill Kill.


Life is what remains when all the cream has been licked away.

Biographies of Abused Children

In recent years there has been a huge plethora of books by people who, one way or another, were abused in childhood - there has been 'Damaged', 'Broken', 'Sickened' - to name just three of the hundreds of biographies written. It makes me so angry! If only my parents had had the foresight to neglect me I could possibly be a best selling novelist by now.

[ More seriously - it worries me greatly that these books are so popular.  The average person would find it difficult to get through one of these books without being violently sick - they are unlikely to buy many more. Who then gets pleasure from reading about abused kids? My fear is that we are feeding the very people that these books set out to condemn - the hideous sub-human creatures that prey on innocence.]

Good Advise

Never give advise.


If someone hates all men equally (regardless of their nationality) can he still be considered a racist?

Speed of Smell

If there's a speed of sound and a speed of light is there a speed of smell?

  - I unthinks therefore I am not.

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